What I'd Like to Say...

There is something that no one tells you before you become an author, but once you've been one, you understand this on a deep and special level.

People are mean.

You weren't expecting that, were you?

The truth is, they don't tell you how sensitive you are going to be about your book. Your blood, sweat, tears, stress, and loads of calories you didn't need have gone into the creation of this book. These characters are your children. These plots have ruined your sleep and distracted your day. The details with the book's formatting, editing, release, and reception make you queasy on the regular.

The book is you, basically. Each book is a piece of yourself, and every single review you see eats away at that particular piece.

But it also chips at the whole of you.

No one tells you that.

I personally learned very early on not to read reviews for this reason. It's not good for me, and other authors feel the same. Why? Because the good reviews, while heartwarming, don't stand a chance against the bad ones.

Those gut you.

So I don't read them. I don't need the negativity, and I like ignorance in this regard.

But sometimes the reviews sneak through.

One came through an email from my website once. I didn't know that was what it was going to be, I thought it would be another fun message asking with another book was coming or some such. I had no idea it would tear my recent release to shreds. That the reader would completely misconstrue everything that I had meant in my writing. That they would see the actions of my characters as selfish, base, and completely out of character for them.

I didn't look for this. It came directly to me. She WANTED me to see it.

I thought my body would suddenly take on all of the gravity in the world and drop me through the couch, the floor, and all of the apartments below me. I have never felt that way, and I'm not sure there are words to describe what it was. Horror, fear, panic, agony, sadness, grief, nausea, ... so many more words, and none of them quite work. It was all of them and more, and I went into a full-blown panic attack.

I've been careful since then, but every now and then I get a glimpse. Sometimes the bad ones are funny. Sometimes they don't bother me.

Today one got to me. All I did was check if the rankings had been updated, and the top review was a doozy.

This person TORE ME UP in the review. Accused me of not doing any research, because how DARE I get something wrong in their eyes! Criticized which characters appeared and which did not. Found every single fault possible in their view, down to minute details that have zero significance to canon.

On the one hand, such a passionate review means I have an invested reader here, so WOOHOO! On the other hand, why? Why tell anyone considering this book that it has X amount of mistakes, that it isn't what it could have been, that I'm an amateur who thinks other works of fiction are sufficient research, and on and on and on? What good does that do?

Newsflash: None. It doesn't do a darn bit of good. If there was constructive criticism in it, that's one thing. This was a good, old-fashioned rant.

And it was wrong, too.

I research endlessly. I look up everything that I doubt, and I doubt a lot. I am well aware that Regency readers catch everything and will hound a book to its death, which makes me wonder why I write in the time period at all. I know what I'm talking about because I've studied. I've taken classes. I've read accurate resources.

And sometimes I'm still not perfect. I'll get a title wrong. I'll miss a continuity error. I'll miss an etymology error.

I'll make a mistake.

Sorry.

Taste is something I cannot, and will not, judge. Opinions are allowed and they are valid.

If these two reviews I've mentioned were just opinions and taste, I wouldn't talk about them. It's the insinuations about me that are not okay. It's the accusations of how I work and how I write that are not okay.

But I'm supposed to be a professional, be respectful, and not give into the temptation to reply. Probably shouldn't even write this, if we're honest. It won't do any good, it could damage my reputation, and it will probably fill me with guilt.

(I have a hyperactive guilt drive. That's not the official name, but it's good enough. This blogpost may wind up disappearing from existence in three hours, no joke.)

It's hard not to reply to hurt like this. Not to defend myself. Not to explain how tired I am, how stressful this was, how imperfect I know I am, and how hard I work to even do this. Not to tell them that I don't need their help to feel like a fraud who is one step away from complete failure.

I'm not distraught over today's finding. No panic attacks. No tears. Not going to eat me up, and I'll sleep just fine tonight. I'll write another book, and hopefully there will be fewer perceived offenses for this reviewer next time. Maybe there will be more, who knows?

But authors need reviews. Not only that, we need reviews that span the stardom. (See what I did there?) We need the good reviews, and we need those stinky bad ones. It gives our book legitimacy to those considering it, and helps our cause that not everybody loves it.

I get that. All authors do. Every one of us has an awful review story or three, ask us. I'm not special in this. It's part of our deal, like it or not.

But what we want to know is this: do reviewers have to hate it so loudly?