Beauty in the Beast

This is the face of anxiety and depression.

I wasn’t doing something scary. I had just started a trip I look forward to every year where I get to see people I adore and share in growth of my spirit and my craft, an experience that excites and rejuvenates me.

And I was crying.

I was overwhelmed.

I wanted to go home.

I was full of sensations and emotions that aren’t easily defined, let alone understood.

All I knew was that I needed quiet and I needed to cry.

I couldn’t tell you when this all started or why. Believe me, I’ve tried to figure it out so I can “fix” it. Nothing had become clear yet, and I am beginning to realize that it isn’t nearly as simple as I want it to be. The frustration at experiencing it. The fear that I will never be free of it. The guilt at feeling so opposite to what I know I should. The desire to curl up into a ball instead of engage in life. The tears that come as I plead with heaven to let me feel like myself again.

But heaven has other plans for now. And those plans include learning.

Today was a learning day. I learned that even when you do everything you can, it can still be hard. That your mind can race beyond even what you thought possible. That minutes can crawl by at an agonizing pace. I also learned that laying on the floor and conversing with my Father in Heaven when I feel broken can actually do something good. That pausing and focusing really can allow you to reach for the hem of the Savior. That there is beauty in the world, even on hard days.

Must not be that hard of a day, you think.

Well, it was. It was hard.

But now… it was also good.

I’m still learning so much about this journey, and I’m discovering better ways to respond to the signs that I’m reaching my limits. I’m learning to walk more slowly because there is no need to hurry everywhere. I’m learning to wait before I react because my energy needs to go where it will most benefit me and not where the first door opens. I’m learning that not everything I feel is what it seems and that I carry every stress somewhere inside of me, even if I don’t think I do. 

I am learning that there needs to be more to me and my life that only what I do.

I have no set answers yet. Not for how I’ll get through this or what will help me feel safer. The only answer I have is that the Lord is aware of me and I am not broken.

This is only a storm and some storms need to be endured.

So find your quiet and cry. Find your safe place and breathe. Find your tribe and cling to them. Find what fills you and drink it in.

You are not alone. You will be okay. And if you’re not okay now, that’s okay too. Someday you will be.

And if you need it, I will be your tribe. We’ve got this.